Confidence: As you may or may not know I was involved in a serious accident when I was younger. As a result of this I suffered from agoraphobia, this affected me from the age of about 8 tell I was 18. Starting around 16 I also suffered from some depression (this lasted on and off tell I was about 19), this depression or bipolar as it is more commonly referred to today, was related to my agoraphobia and the simple fact that my confidence and social abilities had been greatly effected due to my struggle with agoraphobia. It is only in the last couple of years that I have come to regain my social and self confidence.

These experiences have given me the need to think about the workings of the mind in order to work through my problems. I have probably thought about the workings of the mind to much at times, but most of it has been worth while. Due to the things that have happened to me, I know exactly what it is like to have low confidence / self esteem. Hopefully if someone else reads this who has low self esteem or difficult issues to over come it will be of some help and if not at the very least it will make an interesting read.

I remember when I first started Uni. I could be 'quiet' or 'shy' at times, as different people would tell me every now and again. At that time I had not told anyone that I had suffered from agoraphobia and overcome it. And was left with the social side effects of being shy / introverted. I would never talk about myself or some of my past experiences. Thinking about this now I can see how this contributed to my shyness. My unwillingness and/or ability to talk about myself created a certain insecurity in me. Like I was hiding something when I had absoltuelty nothing to hide. This is a mistake shy people make, part of human interaction is talking about ones self - this has nothing to do with being arrogant. Human beings generally talk about their lives and things they do, it is just natural.

Interestingly at the time I never saw myself as 'quite' or 'shy.' When I was with friends I knew really well, I wasn't quiet/shy at all, I could be the opposite! This due to the fact I had become comfortable in their presence. But sometimes in peoples presence that I knew and often in the presense of people I had only just met I would be shy. It sounds kind of weird writing this now and at the time not realising how I was acting, but people are not aware of some of the traits of their own character and I guess that was something I had not come to fully understand. - Nothing in life is so difficult as to see yourself as other people do.

Lack of confidence (thinking you suck at everything)

Anyone else litterally over examine every little thing you do and always think you messed whatever you're doing up? When I was young I started messing with computers and to this very day think I know less than average what others do. Yet if I look at it seriously, i've designed websites, i've programmed, I even "hacked" and found a lot of cool exploits in software. No, I never did any damage though. Yet if you ask me if I know a lot about computers, i'll say "nope".

I also play the guitar and have been playing for about four years. Yep you guessed it, I think I suck at it. The funny thing is, people compliment me on my playing and when I send aduio out online I usually get complimented on it. Whenever I get compliments I shrug them off and say to myself "ahh they are just saying that to be nice".

Now that i've started college i'm expirencing the same thing. For instance, I get an essay I have to write and I litterally think about it 24/7. I'll litterally work insanely hard on it and do my very best and then when I finally get it finished and proof read it I almost always come to the same conclusion, it sucks. Yet then I turn it in and get an A. Even then, I see the A and think "wow, that paper really sucked. How the hell did I get that A?!"

I never really noticed I did this until one day my mom says "you litterally stress over everything and always think everything you do sucks. give yourself a break for once!" It was cool of her to say that considering I never really noticed it before. The only problem is, now I know I do it and yet still continue to beat myself up regardless. Reminds me of that song, "my own worst enemy".